Things are changing in 2020.
At this very moment, I’m trying to change my work and career, and the results of that are a few weeks away yet. But whatever happens, I’m on a new path from here.
I stopped writing and blogging publicly online a few years ago due to a complicated and stressful personal situation, which has now passed. And while I thought I’d continue to write even privately, it was somehow sucked out of me. Not writing is bad for me, and I’ve known it for a long time.
I’ve prioritised other things, worked too much, slept too little, moved too little.
The children will both be in secondary school in September of this year, and it’s going to be a shift change for all of us. It represents a shift away from that small-child motherhood which is so absorbing, towards, I feel, an accompaniment of growing people which involves helping them to gain independence.
My partner and I have been together for five years and we want to use 2020 to set our intentions for the rest of our lives, with our family and friends alongside us, by getting married. It was going to be this spring, and now it’s been postponed until November, but it’ll happen somehow in 2020 even if it’s not quite how we planned.
Work-wise, I have an opportunity over the next few weeks to see if I can make the transformation real that I’ve been half-dreaming, half-planning for for more than a year now. And if that doesn’t pan out, although it’ll be with great disappointment, I’ll move forwards through 2020 and beyond, and it is not going to be the same as the last decade. I have enough experience now of both life and work to know what my day, week, month and year needs to look like long term (and I can accept that it’s taken me until age 40 to achieve this self-knowledge!)
I’ve been an adult for more than 20 years and it’s clearer with every year that passes that all of life is about learning to live, right up to the very end. I think we can try to use, writing, literature, art and music to try to help each other to live better by sharing what we have learned. This is a philosophy I can accept and embark upon the next 40 years having internalised.
So 2020, appropriately, is the year of seeing clearly.